When you let your heart win

I want to be completely honest with you I cannot do this with anyone in my own life They would think I was crazy I'd be more alone than ever Over the last month or so ive been throwing up Not making myself do so, forcing myself to But just doing it, every time I eat If I eat, even so much as a handful, it just comes right back up again almost instantly At first I was worried, scared there was someone wrong with me Something serious I went to the doctors They were baffled Didn't know what to do My mother thinks its in my head The doctors gave me some pills They thought they would make it stop It was only after this that I really thought about it I was holding those pills The pills that might make it stop And I felt fear Real fear. Like it was wrapping around my heart And I knew I couldn't take them I couldn't let it stop I had finally been given a blessing A helping hand along the way And I'm scared for it to stop I feel like I'm letting them down For wanting this, for needing it Like I'm betraying them but I'm doing it for them too Is that crazy? Am I crazy? Because I don't want to stop. Ever. I need answers I'm going to talk to you every day Weigh in with you and be honest Totally open and objective About my strengths and weaknesses Successes and failures I need to stop living behind this mask And here is the only place I can take it off The only place it's safe I missed you Jessica Xoxo