Sickening

Eaten to much today.
Ate at 3 so I wouldn't need Dinner
Mum force fed me Dinner anyway
Only ate a few mouthfuls of it
About 150cals altogether.

I'm so full
Nauseous and bloated
On just a few mouthfuls

I must remember this feeling
When I want to eat
Next time my body tells me I need food
That I can't go any longer without it
Remember this feeling
Not just guilt and disappointment
But nausea and pain too

I want to go see T
I want to sleep next to someone tonight
I need that heat, Its like a drug
Its the same type of satisfaction
Being totally empty, light.
That sense of accomplishment

Hearing the deep, calming breaths
Warm air on your neck and hair
The mattress move under his weight
Soft fingers stroking your skin
Lulling you to sleep like a nursery rhyme
The strong arm wrapped around you
Paranoia he's touching your stomach
Overridden by the safety you feel with him
Not knowing what he's thinking
And not caring because he's there
Smiling at you like your unique
Not knowing how he feels
But only you make him feel that way
Tense stomach when pressed up to him
Forgotten to the deep kisses

It's comforting for me
No expectations
No rules or restrictions
Just distraction for a few hours
From the outside world
From the people staring into yours
Looking for things your trying to hide
The bowl of apples in your room
The box of food you've thrown away
The bottle of Diet Coke by your side
The pint of water you drank before dinner
But he doesn't see those details
The stitches in the fabric
The hairline fractures in your defence
He's not looking for them
He's looking into your eyes

What about you Angels? xoxo